All His Fault
by WolvieGal
Summary: Rogue learns how to control her powers, but not the way you may think.


All His Fault  
  
Even through the shouting and noise of the foosball game, I could hear him; it was probably his own fault-well, his sense of hearing at least. But there was more. I knew he was leaving, and I don't just mean for the liquor store. He was runnin' again. And I didn't have to see the backpack to know that. I could feel it.  
  
Never in a million years would I have ever done what I did if it hadn't been for him. I wasn't exactly shy to begin with, but I wasn't that bold. I mean I'd only known him like a week maybe less. With all that went on, I kinda lost track. And I guess having his memories, his powers and his character traits sort of sped us through the 'getting to know each other' process. We were by no means strangers, but he was still, I don't know, new. I could still get lost in his eyes, eyes I had seen through. I hardly realized they were my words until the look on his face confirmed it for me. I had said it out loud: I don't want you to go.  
  
Part of it was his personality talking. I took that as a comfort. I wasn't completely out on a limb, my heart on my sleeve. Part of him had given me the temerity to do it. Admittedly, even without his essence, I probably would have wanted to say goodbye, despite the fact that I know he doesn't do good-byes, just for one last chance to talk to him. But for me to just blurt out and say that I didn't want him to leave, and to say it like I expected it to mean something to him, like I expected it to have some kind of effect on him, that had to be his influence.   
  
And I think he knew. But I'm not sure what exactly he knew. It could have been that he knew how I felt about him, or it could have been that he knew that his essence was now part of my personality, that he would forever be a part of me. He could have known that I hadn't figured out either of those things just yet. But he knew what he was doing when he promised that he would come back. I just don't know what he knew, but somehow I felt certain that he understood.  
  
But the more I thought about it-about those last words at the door, that last moment, the way he fearlessly touched my hair, the way he held my hand-the worse I missed him. He had given me that chain to seal his promise. It was quiet and small, but that gesture held a world of meaning. It had a life of its own. And I could do no less than treasure it for what it represented to him, to me, to us. And that loneliness, that longing for his companionship, knowing what it entailed, was only fuel for the fire. I had a purpose now. A purpose with a face, and a promise. When he came back for his chain I wanted to be able to give it to him...with interest. I wanted to be able to give him something in return, something as unique, as personal, something that would mean just as much as what he had given to me. He had given me a piece of his life that I could never give back to him. I wanted to do the same. And I knew just how to do it. I knew that it would require great sacrifice, and that in a way it would never be the same, never be enough. And in the end it would have to be the opposite of what he had given me before. But I was willing.  
  
It was true what Miss Munroe said about my mutation. The Professor couldn't cure it. I was a mutant, my power was an unfortunate one, and that's all there was to say about that. But every other mutant at that school for gifted youngsters was learning to control their powers, and so would I, so help me Logan, I would.  
  
Not a day went by that I didn't practice. I won't say that it wasn't hard work. And testing it was impossible. The only one who it might have been safe for me to use as a guinea pig was the one who wasn't there. Without a healing factor, I dared not expose anyone else to the risks of a coma, or worse. But the Professor mentally monitored my control exercises. He used it as a chance to tutor Jean too, letting her sit in on our sessions, often guiding her in his lessons and exercises for me. From the very beginning it was a very frustrating process for all of us. Jean said that it was like hitting her head against a brick wall. I didn't say anything, but I must've made a face, because she never mentioned it again. All I could think was that if it was difficult for her, couldn't she see how difficult it was for me? I felt like my whole body was being blasted at that brick wall from a cannon.   
  
The first breakthrough finally came when I became aware of my power. I could feel the difference between absorbing memories, energy, and powers. Magneto, for example, had had an influence over how I absorbed his power. He was so focused on giving me his power, and his energy, that that is mostly what I got from him. My reach into his memories was minimal, my use of his power was the strongest, and energy fell somewhere in between.  
  
After a couple of months, what little progress I was making seemed to have reached its end. And I still hadn't been able to try and test my control. It was then that I think the Professor gave up on me, but he allowed Jean to continue to work with me on her own. I think that was his way of not giving up on me, not flat out telling me that I was a hopeless cause, but still not wasting his own time everyday. I don't think that Jean had much faith in me either, at least not at first.  
  
But she found something in my mind. I'm not sure if she was looking for it, or if she stumbled upon it by accident, or if I let it slip out to her during a session. But she suddenly asked me, "You're doing this for him aren't you? For Logan." She had found my memories and my thoughts of Logan. She had found my ambition. I couldn't tell whether or not she approved, or if she was jealous, or thought I was foolish, or if maybe she found what was left of his essence in my mind and was appalled, but our session ended quite abruptly that day.  
  
At first I thought that she ran off to tell the professor. I thought for sure she was going to make something of it. But the next two days went by without incident, and she knocked on my door for our next scheduled session in a pensive sort of state. About half way through the regular exercises she asked me, "Rogue, do you really think you can do this?" I just blinked at her for a moment. "I mean right now. Do you really feel as if you have some control?"   
  
After I realized that she was not making fun of me and not patronizing me, I looked her directly in the eyes and said, "Ah think so, but Ah won't-Ah can't know for sure until Ah can test it, Ah have to actually do it."  
  
She seemed to think it over for a minute. Then she said. "Test it. On me." I knew that she was in my head again when she answered my question before I asked it. "No I didn't tell the Professor, and no I'm not going to check with him first. If you really think you can do it, then test it, if you are still unsure then let go as soon as you feel something going wrong." She rolled up her sleeve and held her hand out to me.  
  
She had the most daring and stubborn look on her face that I had ever seen on her. She really meant it. Then Logan's boldness kicked in again. I had a chance. I was going to take it. For him. I could hear my heart pounding in slow motion as I pulled off my glove and took her hand.  
  
I focused on not taking her energy. That's all. Her memories flooded my mind, and I was suddenly aware of the thoughts of every other person in the mansion. But I looked at Jean. She smiled at me. And I let go. She jumped up and danced around, as if to prove that she was fine. It was a moment before I realized that I was dancing too.  
  
"You did it!"  
  
"Ah did."  
  
"I should go give a report to the Professor. He already knows. The sudden emergence of another telepath in the mansion alerted him-I felt it. Especially since he recognized you, and can still feel me, I'm sure he's put the pieces together, but a detailed report is definitely necessary." I just blinked, in shock at myself and nodded as she headed for the door. Before she was gone I heard her say, "He'll be proud of you." And she wasn't talking about the Professor.  
  
It wasn't until later that night when Jean's memories started to settle in my mind. At first I wasn't trying to rifle through her personal thoughts, but some things just kept floating to the surface. And anytime I passed her I was overcome by a wave of her thoughts rushing to the forefront of my mind, almost like I had just touched her all over again. My mind was crowded with images of all kinds of things and people around us. Some of them were even of Logan. It was all I could do to keep from prying into those. Anything in the mansion that reminded her of something else now did the same to me, but they were someone else's thoughts, someone else's memories. I quickly found that I should stay very far away from the med lab. Jean spent way too much time in there. But it was when I passed Cerebro that a memory came up that I couldn't ignore. It had Logan's scent all over it.  
  
It had happened while I was gone. After the Professor had hurt his mind using Cerebro because of that green fluid Mystique had put in it's core, Jean used Cerebro to find Magneto. It was her first time. She was full of the same daring stubbornness as when she had allowed me to test my control on her. And she had done it for Logan.  
  
I stopped breathing. Sure I knew he was attracted to her. What man wouldn't be? She was beautiful. But she had made it clear to him that she was with Scott. I knew that from Logan's memories in my mind. But now I was seeing it all from Jean's perspective and everything was changing. She was attracted to him.  
  
Outraged, I delved through her memories and thoughts of her first time using Cerebro. She was doing it to prove something to Logan. I kept pushing farther back. That first night, in his room, he said something about Scott holding her back. She was...she was...insulted, defensive even. I breathed again. So why had she allowed me to touch her? What was she trying to prove? And to whom? And what did that have to do with Logan, and with me? Even though it seemed like I had all the answers, I couldn't piece it together smoothly, even after hours of trying. She was a mind reader; I hadn't expected her personal thoughts to be so jumbled.  
  
In her memories I found repressed attraction for Logan, an indescribable love for Scott, guilt over Logan, and a whole mixture of things that it seems Logan had either incited or stirred in her. I don't think she was sure why she allowed me to touch her. But it seemed that she at least partially thought of it as recompense for earlier. Atonement for teasing him. She was definitely trying to help me, but she was trying to help him as well. And-this came slowly-she was putting me between herself and Logan.  
  
My mind was so tired that I fell asleep and slept through dinner. When I woke up later I was starved and Jean's memories were beginning to fade. I was glad. I knew more than enough already. And I was satisfied that her intents weren't what they had seemed at first to be. So I went down to the kitchen for a snack. It was late-after midnight, so when I heard someone else in the hallway I was a bit surprised. But I thought it was just someone else doing the same thing I was doing: midnight snacking. I was not at all expecting to find Logan returning from Canada.  
  
I stopped and just looked at him for a moment, disbelieving what stood before me. It had to be an illusion. He looked the same as when he had left, wearing his boots and jeans and flannel and his leather jacket, carrying one backpack. He had a serious look on his face, very calm. And he looked tired, which was odd, because I don't really remember him ever looking so worn before. Then the illusion spoke. "Hey kid." And I knew he was real. I ran up and threw my arms around him. He just stood there and let me.  
  
With my face against his chest I said, "Ah missed you." And I hugged him tighter. He smelled like leather and smoke and outside. I just breathed it in, like a fish that had just been thrown back off the fishing boat. I could hardly contain myself. Words were running through my head. I couldn't decide how would be the best way to tell him about my gift.  
  
Slowly he put his arms lightly around my back and returned my hug. "Yeah, I missed you too kid."  
  
"Ah have something for you." He dropped his arms and looked down at me as I pulled his chain from around my neck. I grabbed his hand and turned it palm up as I put his chain into it with my own gloved hand, and closed his fingers around it, just like he had done to me. I looked up at him. "Ah kept it safe for you." And I pointed with two fingers toward my heart. The barest of smiles touched the corners of his mouth. "But there's more." He was looking distracted. "Logan, are you okay?"   
  
He paused, looking at me and looking away by turns. I was tempted to look into his mind. Some of Jean's telepathy was still lingering with me. "Yeah, I'm fine." He knitted his brows together, looking for all the world as if he were anything but fine.  
  
"Logan..." He was looking down at our entwined hands. He withdrew his before looking up to meet my gaze. "Should Ah wait 'til tomorrow?" I asked. And I'm afraid my disappointment came through when I would have rather it did not.  
  
"No. No time like the present." If I had thought that he was only saying it because I practically begged him, then I would have waited, but I could tell that he really meant it. For the moment I was a telepath, and I picked up on his sincerity.  
  
"Are ya ready?" I asked him. He nodded watching me with one quirked eyebrow. I pulled off one glove and reached for his hand. He didn't know yet. But he still didn't flinch. I love that about him. I laced my bare fingers with his and then raised our hands up to his face, as if to show him. Even as I did I could feel the bruise on my shoulder from my last danger room session melting away. My whole body tingled, like the blood was circulating for the first time, and I felt this odd itching in my lower arms. "But here's your gift," I said as I rose up on my tip toes and kissed him gently on the lips. He was surprised for a moment before he kissed me back.  
  
Like before with Jean, only more forcefully, my mind was swept along by the raging flow of his memories, like a tributary to the river that was my mind. I tried to ignore them, but some of the images were so strong that they overpowered me. All of them were dark. Most of them were new. I had not seen them before. My head was spinning enough to truly make me dizzy. I stepped back and leaned on the wall. They were new memories, and yet they were old. If they had come through first then they must be weighing heavily upon his mind. I wondered why I hadn't seen them before.  
  
"Kid, you alright? Rogue? Marie?" His voice sounded like it was coming from the other side of a wall.  
  
I put a hand to my head as he grabbed my shoulders. "Yeah." I whispered.  
  
"I didn't feel...anything wrong, how is it you got hurt? Your power's not workin' in reverse?"  
  
"No Ah'm fine. Ah just got dizzy is all." I looked up at him. He had a look on his face that said he didn't believe me. My heart was pounding and my lips were on fire. I could feel myself blushing. I reached for his arm. "It was just, um, the, you, Ah, we, hmmm..."  
  
"The kiss?" He cracked another barely there smile. I nodded. He put an arm around behind my back. I felt safe with him, and I rested my head against him. "So the kiss was my gift?"  
  
I could feel his vocal vibrations in his chest where my head leaned on him, even though he was only whispering. Looking up I found him looking back down at me. His gaze was so clear I couldn't think of anything special to say, "Mmm-hmmm."  
  
"Thank you." Half of his mouth quirked upward.  
  
I started to try to stand on my own, without leaning on him, and I soon found myself leaning back too quickly. I reached for him just as he reached for me, catching my elbows as I squeezed my fingers into his forearms.  
  
"I think maybe you should head to bed, darlin'."  
  
"Okay." He walked me to my bedroom door. "Good night Logan."  
  
"I'll see ya tomorrow kid."  
  
I collapsed on my bed, tired as all get out. I felt worn and heavy, and I was still dizzy. Bed sounded like a good idea.  
  
Suddenly I was full of anger, and rage, and felt like I was going to explode. And I did, everything around me was broken, glass, machines...people. There were broken and bleeding people laying all around me-dead people. And I knew I had killed them. I howled and screamed. And I hurt. All my muscles ached and my body felt full of spikes. But I couldn't think. I just ran, ran wild into the woods. I was wild. I was an animal. And distantly I hated myself for it.  
  
I woke up screaming and crying and tearing at everything in my reach. And suddenly Logan was there. I started at the sight of him. It was like looking in a mirror. I was looking at myself.  
  
"Marie! Wake up." He was shaking me. "What's wrong?" Kitty and Jubilee, my roommates, were behind him.  
  
I sat up, still swimming through the dark thoughts that brought on my nightmare. Then I realized what they were. Logan's memories, what he had learned about his past while he was away. That was why I hadn't seen them before. My hands hurt. They burned and itched and ached; they felt like raw flesh, like raw flesh being scoured with sand paper. I blinked to clear the tears from my eyes. Logan held my wrists still fiercely. My roommates stared at me. I looked from one hand to the other. Claws extended from between the knuckles of each hand. Three claws like Logan's, only bone, not adamantium.  
  
When I raised my eyes, he was staring back at me. He looked at my claws, then back at me. "Retract them. You don't need the claws. That's it." His voice was calm, but there was an edge to it. I could hear his breathing. "You didn't absorb my life force, but you did absorb my mutation. And you have my memories too, don't ya? And you know. Don't you? I can see it in your eyes. You know." He was angry. I was shaking. I nodded. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"Ah wanted it to be a surprise. Ah didn't think you'd mind. You gave me yo' powers and yo' memories before. Ah don't understand."  
  
He put his head down a bit and growled lowly. "I didn't want anyone in my head. I didn't want anyone to know." He raised his eyes as he let go of my wrists. "I didn't want you to know that I'm a killer. I'm just a beast." With that he stood up and strode quickly out of the room.  
  
I wanted to howl. I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hurt something, but not these people around me. I wanted to go away from everyone I knew, just to protect them. To protect them from me, because I was an animal. I am Wolv-no. I am Rogue. I am Marie. I am Marie. And Marie loves Logan. Logan!  
  
I heard his boots on the wooden floor. It couldn't have been more than 3 or 4 seconds, but it seemed like I had been listening to them echoing forever before I moved.   
  
Behind me, with Logan's senses, I heard Kitty whisper, "Was that Wolverine? I didn't even know he was back."  
  
I ran down the long hall way to the door, just in time to see him slip through it, wearing his backpack. I followed him outside. He was already revving his motorcycle. "Logan!" I yelled over the sound of the engine. "Logan, Ah'm sorry."  
  
He barely looked at me. "I'm sorry too, kid." And then he rode away.  
  
As I fell to my knees, I felt the claws explode from my fists. Howling from the pain in my hands as much as the pain inside, I hit the ground. My view of him leaving was blurred by tears. I blinked, and they fell. When he was out of sight I looked down to see my tears sliding down my claws thrust halfway into the concrete of the driveway. I was ashamed of myself. "Ah know how you feel Logan. And you're not just a beast. You're not a beast." I wish he would've heard me.  



End file.
